The Language of Narcissistic Abuse I. A Psycholinguistic and Psychological Examination

18 min readOct 6, 2024

Narcissism, characterised by excessive self-importance and a lack of empathy, manifests in language patterns that often leave victims disoriented and emotionally distressed. This study examines how narcissists — across various contexts such as personal relationships, professional environments, and therapeutic settings — employ verbal and non-verbal communication to manipulate, control, and abuse others. Drawing from psycholinguistics, psychology, and the works of Ramani Durvasula, we will analyse 30 distinct narcissistic communication traits, offering examples from real-world interactions. Each trait will be discussed to highlight how individuals can protect themselves from internalising the toxicity inherent in narcissistic language.

Introduction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is marked by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy (American Psychiatric Association, DSM-5). Narcissistic individuals, in their varied manifestations, use language as a weapon to manipulate and control their environment and relationships. Verbal and non-verbal communication by narcissists is not merely dysfunctional; it is often deliberately abusive, designed to create confusion, self-doubt, and psychological harm in others. Understanding these communication tactics is essential for psychological well-being, particularly for those in close contact with narcissistic individuals, such as family members, relationships, colleagues, and even clients in therapeutic settings.

Psycholinguistics — the study of how language is produced, understood, and interpreted — provides valuable insight into how narcissists manipulate discourse. Combining psycholinguistic theories with psychological frameworks allows for a deeper understanding of the emotional and cognitive impact of narcissistic communication on victims.

The 30 Traits of Narcissistic Communication Abuse: Examples and Explanations

1. Lack of Empathy

Narcissists have a profound inability to relate to or care about others’ feelings.

Example 1: A narcissistic boss may say, “I don’t care if you’re sick, the deadline is non-negotiable.” or a partner who says, “I won’t stick around and help you, you created your own problems.”
Example 2: A friend shares a difficult personal problem, but the narcissist responds, “I don’t have time for your drama right now.”
Example 3: During a family dinner, a narcissistic parent dismisses a child’s feelings by saying, “You’re just being overly sensitive, get over it.”
Explanation: These examples demonstrate the narcissist’s inability to acknowledge, understand, or validate others’ emotional experiences. They demonstrate typical emotional coldness. Victims must learn to seek emotional support elsewhere, as the narcissist will not provide it. They prioritise their own needs and dismiss the emotions of others as irrelevant, leading the victim to feel dehumanised and undervalued.

2. Grandiose

Narcissists often view themselves as superior and expect others to recognise their brilliance.

Example 1: In a relationship, a narcissist may state, “I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You’ll never find someone like me.” or “I’m way out of your league, you should be happy I even talk to you”
Example 2: In a group project, the narcissist declares, “This entire project is successful because of my leadership.”
Example 3: In a group, a narcissist tells their peers, “Honestly, I’m smarter than most people, including you.” Or they may talk down on their friends’ or partner’s achievements and knowledge “This is not even your field of expertise, I know more of it.”
Explanation: Grandiosity leads narcissists to overestimate their abilities, often at the expense of others. The inflated sense of self-worth leads to entitlement and unrealistic expectations of admiration. Recognising this prevents victims from feeling diminished by the narcissist’s inflated self-image. Victims internalising such comments might begin to doubt their own worth and feel dependent on the narcissist for validation.

3. Entitled

Narcissists believe they deserve special treatment without necessarily earning it.

Example 1: “Why should I wait in line like everyone else? I’m too important for this.”
Example 2: A partner who says, “You owe me time/attention/sex if you want to stay friends/partners because I paid for your dinner/you live in my house/ I did you a favour.”
Example 3: In a friendship, a narcissist expects their friend to cancel other plans to spend time with them, saying, “You owe me for always being there for you.”
Explanation: Entitlement drives narcissists to expect special treatment, regardless of fairness and feeds into their inability to respect others’ time or boundaries. Recognising this as a narcissistic trait allows others to set firm boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of and resist the pressure to concede to their demands.

4. Manipulative

Narcissists manipulate others through lies, half-truths, blackmailing, or emotional coercion.

Example 1: A narcissistic partner might say, “If you loved me, you would do this for me.” or as an excuse to their toxic/abusive behaviour, “If you really loved me, you’d accept me the way I am” or “I’m like this because I’m going through a hard time if you loved me, you’d understand/respect my boundaries”
Example 2: A narcissistic colleague says, “If you don’t help me finish this report, I’ll make sure the boss knows about your mistake last week.”
Example 3: A narcissistic partner might say, “If you leave me, I’ll leak intimate photos of you/I’ll tell everyone you know the secrets you told me.”
Explanation: Narcissists use lies as manipulation to control others’ behaviour and reactions even feelings about a certain situation. Emotional blackmail taps into the narcissist’s manipulative tendencies, which are used to control others by invoking guilt or fear. Victims must recognise this tactic and detach emotionally, resist being coerced into unhealthy compromises. And in case of blackmailing, intimate pictures leaked etc., they can also turn to authorities.

5. Angry and Rageful

Narcissistic rage occurs when their inflated ego is challenged by being criticised (even if it’s constructive) or exposed for their malignant behaviour.

Example 1: “How dare you question me? You’re too stupid to understand what I’m saying!” or “This is not even your expert field. What do you know?”
Example 2: When a sibling/friend/partner offers constructive feedback, the narcissist erupts: “How dare you criticise me! You’re always condescending/ just jealous. ”
Example 3: After losing a game, the narcissist flips the board and storms out, yelling, “This game is rigged! You all cheated!”
Explanation: Narcissistic rage is triggered by any perceived discomfort, even if trivial. Victims should avoid engaging in these rageful situations, maintain emotional distance and never take such outbursts personally, as they are often disproportionate reactions to minor or imagined slights.

6. Paranoid

Narcissists are often suspicious of others’ intentions, viewing them as threats.

Example 1: “I know you’re plotting against me. No one else can be trusted!” or “You only try to drag me down when you complain.”
Example 2: A narcissistic friend accuses their group of secretly meeting without them, saying, “You’re trying to exclude me, aren’t you?”
Example 3: At work, a narcissist says, “I know the team is out to get me because they’re threatened by my success.”
Explanation: They often project paranoia onto others which stems from their deep-seated insecurity, distrust of others, and fear of being outsmarted or betrayed. Understanding this prevents victims from being drawn into the narcissist’s distorted perception of reality and delusional thinking.

7. Hypersensitive

Despite their grandiosity, narcissists are easily offended or if not, they pretend to be offended often to receive apology or some extra attention to regain their sense of importance.

Example 1: “How could you like that other person’s idea more than mine? You must think I’m worthless.” or when it comes to a disagreement with them or they come across with some criticism, they right out ghost you or give you the silent treatment.
Example 2: A colleague compliments everyone in the meeting except the narcissist, who sulks, “You deliberately ignored me to make me look bad.”
Example 3: A narcissistic friend explodes when their joke doesn’t land, saying, “You never appreciate my sense of humor!”
Explanation: Hypersensitivity is rooted in their fragile self-esteem and reveals their deeply wounded ego. Victims should avoid over-explaining or over-apologising for innocent or perceived slights, as the issue lies with the narcissist’s exaggerated response.

8. Jealous

Narcissists often experience envy and undermine others’ success.

Example 1: “You only got that promotion because the boss favours you. It has nothing to do with your skills.” or “She must be with him for the money, not her skills and knowledge that got her there.” or “It’s cute you’re writing a book about something that’s not your expertise” (Sometimes even despite the fact that you have a degree and years of experience in something.)
Example 2: After a friend receives an award, the narcissist sneers, “They must have rigged it; you didn’t deserve to win.”
Example 3: A narcissist hears about a coworker’s promotion and says, “They’re clearly sleeping with the boss to get ahead.”
Explanation: Narcissistic jealousy manifests in undermining others’ success. Recognising this helps victims avoid internalising the narcissist’s attempts to belittle achievements. It stems from their insecurity.

9. Lack of Guilt / Lack of Insight

Narcissists rarely, if ever, feel remorse.

Example 1: “Why should I apologise? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Example 2: After borrowing money and never repaying it, a narcissist shrugs and says, “It’s just money. You’ll get over it.”
Example 3: After publicly humiliating a partner, the narcissist says, “You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that serious.”
Explanation: Their inability to feel guilt means they never truly reflect on the harm they cause. Not being able to acknowledge wrongdoing is part of their lack of emotional insight. Recognising this can help victims detach from the hope of ever receiving a genuine apology. They may say and do some of the most outrageous things to you and never feel that they should say at least a ‘Sorry’.

10. Needs Constant Admiration and Validation

Narcissists require ongoing attention and praise, you may find them chasing fame on social media platforms for this reason.

Example 1: “Did you see how everyone was watching me at the party? I must be the most interesting person there.”
Example 2: A narcissist posts excessively on social media, saying, “I can’t believe people don’t like my post more. They must be jealous.”
Example 3: During a family event, they ask repeatedly, “Don’t I look amazing in this outfit? Why isn’t anyone complimenting me?”
Explanation: Their excessive need for validation is endless and insatiable. Victims should understand that no amount of praise will satisfy the narcissist and avoid exhausting themselves trying to provide it.

11. Lying

Narcissists frequently lie to shape reality in their favour. I have already mentioned this as part of manipulation but I need to highlight that lying is technically their mother tongue and once you recognise a narcissistic person, you may want to take everything they say with a pinch of salt.

Example 1: “I never said that! You must be imagining things.”
Example 2: A narcissist promises to help a friend move, but on the day says, “I never said that! You must have misunderstood.”
Example 3: In a therapy session, a narcissist lies about their achievements, saying, “I’m practically running the whole company,” when they are not.
Explanation: Lying is a tool narcissists use to create a favourable narrative for themselves. It can take many forms, including denial, distortion or even creating a completely new personality for themselves (con-artists). Victims need to remain grounded in their own reality rather than getting caught up in the narcissist’s version of events. Screenshots of conversations are a way to do so, yet we know this will be also used against that person as the narcissist will accuse you of mistrust and paranoia.

12. Everything is a Show

Narcissists often perform to maintain an idealised self-image.

Example 1: “Did you see how everyone was looking at me? I’m the life of every event!” or again their grandiose social media presence. “Follow my exciting life everywhere”
Example 2: A narcissist makes a grand gesture at a party, saying loudly, “I paid for the whole event because that’s just who I am.”
Example 3: At work, they take credit for a team project, saying, “This would’ve failed without my input.”

Explanation: The narcissist’s obsession and need to put on a show is a reflection of their shallow self-esteem. Victims must recognise the performative nature and the emptiness behind the urge for constant performance a validation seeking of such gestures and not feel obligated to contribute to the facade.

13. Projection

Narcissists often accuse others of their own negative traits and they will project everything on their victims or often people around their victims hoping this could isolate them from each other— a negative remark on your family here and some on your friends there. Again all this thanks to their own insecurities.

Example 1: “You are the narcissist, not me” if you dare to expose them or “You’re projecting, not me” “This is just declaration of intent”
Example 2: A narcissist accuses their friend of being selfish, saying, “You only care about your own needs,” after they themselves refuse to compromise.
Example 3: In a relationship, a narcissist accuses their partner of infidelity when, in reality, they are the unfaithful one.
Explanation: Projection allows narcissists to avoid self-reflection by attributing their own flaws to others. Victims must recognise this defense mechanism and not internalise their accusations that do not align with reality or accept unfounded blame.

14. Greed

Narcissists can be highly materialistic and insatiable.

Example 1: “I deserve the biggest share because I worked harder than anyone else.” or “I deserve to be famous because I’m the best/most talented/ I know so much”
Example 2: At a family gathering, a narcissist hoards food, saying, “I deserve the biggest portion since I’m the most important person here.”
Example 3: In a sexual intercourse where it’s all about what they can take but not what they can give.
Explanation: Greed reflects their insatiable need for more — more money, more praise, more attention, often at the expense of others. Victims should recognise this as selfishness and resist any attempts to justify or fulfill it.

15. Emotionally Cold

Narcissists display emotional detachment or lack of warmth once the love bombing’s over.

Example 1: In a relationship, a narcissist may respond to distress with, “Get over it, it’s not that big of a deal.” or they stonewall you when you want to interact with them.
Example 2: A narcissist responds to a friend’s tears with, “Crying won’t solve anything. Toughen up.”
Example 3: After missing an important event in their partner’s life, the narcissist coldly says, “I didn’t think it was important for you.”
Explanation: Emotional coldness highlights their lack of empathy and can leave victim feeling uncared for. They must learn not to expect genuine emotional warmth or understanding from a narcissist. They are simply unable to give it.

16. Gaslighting

Narcissists distort reality to make others question their own perceptions.

Example 1: “You’re crazy. You always overreact.” or “You always make a huge fuss about everything. You’re so toxic”
Example 2: A narcissist tells their partner, “You’re always making things up. That never happened,” after being called out for hurtful behaviour.
Example 3: In a friendship, a narcissist says, “You’re being way too sensitive. Everyone else agrees with me,” after making a demeaning joke. Funnily, they get offended if they are on the receiving end.
Explanation: Gaslighting is one of the darkest kind of psychological manipulation tactic that distorts reality to make victims doubt their own sanity and experiences. Recognising this tactic is critical for maintaining one’s own sense of reality.

17. Cheap

Narcissists can be stingy and selfish, especially when it doesn’t benefit them.

Example 1: “I’m not going to donate, what’s my benefit from that?”
Example 2: A narcissist invites a friend out for dinner but conveniently “forgets” their wallet, saying, “You can cover it, right? I’ll get you next time,” which never happens.
Example 3: During holiday shopping, the narcissist insists on buying the cheapest possible gifts for family, saying, “They should just be grateful they got anything at all.”
Explanation: Stinginess reflects the narcissist’s self-centredness and lack of generosity. Victims should avoid expecting fairness or reciprocity in financial (or emotional) matters.

18. Never Takes Responsibility

Narcissists refuse to admit fault. This goes hand in hand with being the victim of their parents/exes/teachers/friends etc.

Example 1: “It’s not my fault things went wrong. You didn’t do your part/ You’re the one with problems” or “It’s not my behaviour, you have unresolved traumas”
Example 2: After arriving late to a meeting, the narcissist says, “If you hadn’t picked such a bad time, I would’ve been on time.”
Example 3: In a relationship, a narcissist says, “The only reason I yelled/hit you is because you provoked me.”
Explanation: Shifting blame onto others protects their fragile ego. Victims must recognise this as deflection and refuse to accept undeserved blame or assume responsibility for issues that are not their fault.

19. Vanity

Narcissists obsess over their physical appearance or achievements.

Example 1: “No one looks as good as I do. It’s obvious I’m the most attractive person here.”
Example 2: At a work event, the narcissist spends more time checking their appearance in reflective surfaces than engaging with colleagues.
Example 3: During a family photo, they insist on multiple retakes, saying, “I’m the one everyone will be looking at, so it has to be perfect.”
Explanation: Vanity is driven by their need for constant admiration and social media is their heaven for that. It reveals an insecurity masked by outward confidence. Victims should see through this superficiality and avoid reinforcing it or being drawn into surface-level competitions of appearance or status. Let it be their own lame game.

20. Controlling

Narcissists micromanage and control others’ actions and even entire situations.

Example 1: “You have to do things my way, or this relationship/friendship/ partnership won’t work.”
Example 2: A narcissistic friend plans every detail of a vacation, saying, “You’re all too disorganised, so I’ll take charge.”
Example 3: In a family setting, the narcissist dictates everyone’s roles for a holiday meal, saying, “If I don’t manage this, it’ll be a disaster.”
Explanation: Their need for control is about maintaining power and ensure their dominance. Victims should assert their own autonomy, independence and resist micromanagement.

21. Unpredictable

Narcissists’ mood and behaviour can be erratic, which is why victims learn to walk on eggshells around them.

Example 1: One moment, they praise you, and the next, they berate you: “I can’t believe you did such a great job” followed by “But don’t get used to it. You’re usually incompetent.” or“It is amazing you’re writing about something — that is not even your expertise”
Example 2: A narcissistic parent alternates between spoiling their child with gifts and criticising them harshly: “You’re my favorite” followed by “You’re so ungrateful!”
Example 3: In the workplace, a narcissist praises a coworker one day, then humiliates them in front of others the next.
Explanation: Unpredictability keeps victims off-balance and emotionally unstable. Recognising this pattern helps victims maintain emotional resilience. Always remember: this inconsistency is a tactic. That allows you to stay emotionally grounded.

22. Takes Advantage of Others

Narcissists exploit others to meet their own needs.

Example 1: “I need you to cover my shift. I know you’re always available, so I didn’t bother asking anyone else.” or “I don’t want to connect you emotionally but we should have sex”
Example 2: A narcissist regularly borrows small amounts of money from friends, never repaying it, and says, “It’s just a little bit, you won’t miss it.”
Example 3: In a friendship, they ask for favours, saying, “You’re the only person I can rely on. You wouldn’t say no to me, would you?” or “Can you babysit my child for 2–3 hours?” And they come to pick their child 6 hours later.
Explanation: Narcissists exploit others for personal gain — it’s the hallmark of relationships with them. Victims must recognise this pattern and stop allowing themselves to be taken advantage of or to be continually used without reciprocation.

23. Engages in Schadenfreude

Narcissists derive pleasure from others’ misfortunes and pain.

Example 1: “I knew you’d fail. It’s actually kind of funny how bad you messed up.”
Example 2: A narcissist laughs when a colleague gets reprimanded, saying, “They had it coming.”
Example 3: In a family setting, they mock a sibling’s failure, saying, “Well, maybe now you’ll learn how incompetent you really are.”
Explanation: Their delight in others’ suffering reveals emotional cruelty and sadism as well as complete lack of empathy. Victims should avoid seeking validation, comfort or empathy from someone who thrives on one’s pain.

24. Does Not Like to Be Alone

Narcissists need constant companionship or attention even if they claim to be introverts.

Example 1: “You have to come with me to this event. I can’t go alone.”
Example 2: A narcissist insists on crashing a friend’s weekend plans, saying, “I hate being by myself, and you’re the only one I want to be with.”
Example 3: They invite themselves to a family event they weren’t originally included in, saying, “You know I can’t be left out.”
Explanation: Their aversion to solitude stems from a need for constant validation — this results in always being in a relationship too. Victims should maintain boundaries and not feel guilty for desiring personal space or simply not sharing. You should not feel obligated to fill the void created by the narcissist’s loneliness. This kind of inability to be alone in vulnerable narcissists often manifests as an introverted person who prefers to be alone yet triangulates partners or keeps around supplies for different roles in their lives to serve them.

25. Poor Boundaries

Narcissists often ignore others’ boundaries or personal space but they will dismiss everything by saying that it goes beyond their limits or exceeds their boundaries.

Example 1: “I don’t care if you’re tired. We’re going out tonight.” It can be also sexual coercing, “Oh c’mon! Only books and talk, you don’t even have sex drive…Are you frigid?”
Example 2: A narcissist insists on reading their partner’s private messages, saying, “If you have nothing to hide, this shouldn’t be a problem.”
Example 3: They barge into a friend’s home without knocking, saying, “We’re close enough that I don’t need permission.”
Explanation: Disregarding boundaries is a sign of entitlement. Victims must set and enforce strong limits to protect their personal space as well as their mental and emotional health.

26. Infidelity

Narcissists are often unfaithful in relationships.

Example 1: “I didn’t cheat. It was just a one-time thing, and it didn’t mean anything.” This often comes together with them living a double or triple life.
Example 2: After being caught cheating, the narcissist says, “If you were more attentive, I wouldn’t need to look elsewhere.”
Example 3: They justify emotional affairs by saying, “I’m just talking to them; it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong.” or “I’m only following them, it’s not like we’re talking” — but they do interact with them usually”
Explanation: Infidelity is justified through manipulation and deflection. A narcissist will minimise their actions and their consequences. Victims must recognise their lack of loyalty and take action to protect their emotional well-being.

27. Doesn’t Listen

Narcissists dominate conversations and dismiss others’ input, they hardly ever ask questions as they are genuinely not interested in anyone else.

Example 1: “Stop talking about your problems. Let me tell you what really matters — my day.” or “You talk so much, you’re so tiring” — to silence you.
Example 2: During a group discussion, the narcissist interrupts everyone repeatedly, saying, “What I’m saying is more important.”
Example 3: In therapy, the narcissist dismisses the therapist’s advice, saying, “You don’t really get me.”
Explanation: Narcissists don’t listen because they prioritise their own voice. Victims should not expect meaningful engagement in conversations. This conversational dominance is rooted in their self-centredness. It’s just better to limit expectations of mutual respect in discussions.

28. Fragile

Despite their apparent confidence, narcissists are emotionally fragile and vulnerable to criticism.

Example 1: “I can’t believe you said that about me. You’ve hurt me more than anyone else ever has.”
Example 2: A friend gently teases the narcissist, who responds, “That’s the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.”
Example 3: In a work meeting, after receiving mild feedback, the narcissist exclaims, “I guess you all hate me now!”
Explanation: Their fragility exposes the narcissist’s deep insecurity and can lead to disproportionate reactions to criticism — revenge as well as starting a smear campaign publicly. Victims should recognise this as an exaggerated response and not feel responsible for their emotional state.

29. Careless

Narcissists often disregard the consequences of their actions on others.

Example 1: “I didn’t think it would hurt you. It’s just how I am.”
Example 2: A narcissist forgets an important promise and says, “It’s not like it was a big deal anyway.”
Example 3: At work, they miss a deadline and say, “You should’ve reminded me. I had more important things to do.”
Explanation: Carelessness reflects their lack of accountability or care about other’s feelings. Victims must recognise this as negligence, not a personal failure and not internalise their disregard as a reflection of their own worth.

30. Seductive

Narcissists can use charm and seduction to manipulate others from looks to their voice and learned manners.

Example 1: “You’re the only person who really understands me. No one else makes me feel this way./ I never felt so connected to someone before.”
Example 2: A narcissistic coworker flirts inappropriately, saying, “You know you can’t resist me.”
Example 3: Verbal ways: unnecessary flattery or non-verbal: physical contact, doing small favours/giving lots of attention during the love bombing phase.
Explanation: Seduction is a manipulative tactic that often masks underlying selfishness and is used to manipulate emotions and create dependency. Victims must resist the pull of their charm and charisma ( keep in mind charisma is never a positive trait, it’s something learned to cover other deficiencies) remain cautious and maintain professional or emotional distance.

Conclusion

Narcissistic abuse, whether verbal or non-verbal, is a pervasive, insidious force that affects the mental and emotional health of those who come into contact with narcissistic individuals. From romantic partners to colleagues and even therapists, narcissists use language and behaviour to distort reality, manipulate emotions, and erode the self-esteem of their victims. By understanding the psycholinguistic patterns behind narcissistic communication, individuals can recognise these abusive tactics and protect themselves from internalising the toxicity. Future studies should focus on strategies for empowering individuals to disengage from narcissistic discourse and reclaim their own mental autonomy even by identifying the language they use.

References

Durvasula, R. (2019). “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (Eds.). (2011). The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments. John Wiley & Sons.
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.
Groopman, J., & Cooper, A. M. (2006). Narcissistic Defenses: Listening with the Third Ear. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 75(4), 797–822.
Vaknin, S. (2015). Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Narcissus Publications.